Waiting for the Calm

For the first time in a long time, September feels like autumn here in Maryland. The wind has a bite to it and it's briskly moving the rainclouds in front of the sun and then away again. Thirty seconds of intense brightness, five minutes of gloomy darkness. Repeat. 

September has always been the beginning of the new year for me, and having Nathan in school reinforces that. Now, rather than January, my thoughts turn to what I've accomplished...and what I haven't. Now, I revel in Nathan's excitement at being in the first grade. Now, I see just how much he has grown when I try to put him in last year's pants. Now, leaves are beginning to change color, displaying new beauty. Now, leaves are falling to the ground, taking away my all-to-brief sheltered privacy. Now, hours of quiet alone time await, and plans begin to percolate. Now, the house is empty, and there are no true excuses left.  

Thirty seconds of intense brightness, five minutes of gloomy darkness. Repeat.

These are difficult things. So difficult, in fact, that it's easier to create some chaos, rather than confronting what is. Is my baby needing me less and less? Look over here at this list of errands that must be done. Realizing that even though I say I'm a writer, I haven't really produced much of anything? Start a fight with the husband and see how that distracts. Stir up as much trouble as possible and then declare, dramatically, "I can't deal with any of this until things calm down."

Or...

This year, I could decide that it will be one of great hope and positive change. This year, I could realize that I can confront what is without judgment. This year, I could sit with my feelings. This year, I could ignore the chaos without and seek the calmness within.

This year, I could just forgive myself.

 

Comments

[storyteller]

I concur with Lucy ... you are indeed a writer and what you've written here resonates with the procrastinator within myself BIG time! I'm playing with possibilities too ... hoping to forgive myself ... let go of excuses and BE with what is calmly ... allowing the craziness to spill onto the page and out of myself.

I'm delighted that Nathan is excited about first grade and I appreciate your vivid descriptions of Fall since it's a season we don't actually experience here at the beach in Southern California. Thank you.
Hugs and blessings,

[lucy]

this is such a beautiful post. you are indeed a writer. i felt each movement with you from the beginning of a new year to the methods or procrastination. shall we join each other in "great hope and positive change"?

glad to have you "back." :-)

[The Other Laura]

Karen, I always spend a least two weeks completely adrift when Max goes back to school. Then, slowly, I start to fall into a rhythm with writing.

(Don't forget that challenge and all the writing you cranked out then.)

A friend of mine often reminds me of this: Your writing, your creative heart will always be there waiting for you.

[Hay]

You inspire me.