Refreshed, Revitalized, Ready

All the things that I'd hoped would happen during the writing retreat happened, along with a few unexpected (and frankly, unwanted) things. There is so much to ponder, and so much to write about, but I've only been back from New Mexico for a week, and a good chunk of that week included a visit from my parents, so I'm going to keep this first entry simple.

In the weeks before the retreat, I was doing my quarterly "What is the point of my blog and should I even bother" hand-wringing, diva-ish internal rambling. And then I made it external, and had a long discussion with Kara about it during the drive from Placitas to Taos. What's the point? Should it continue? Why can't I commit? Why do I post regularly, then disappear for weeks, and then come back, shame-faced and guilty, apologizing for the gap? Kara, a seasoned blogger, had much wisdom to impart, so I listened and decided to see what came up during the retreat.

Well, something incredible came up during the retreat.

That very first night, during dinner, a repeat offender retreater, a woman who was there in 2007, whom I really liked and admired, came up and told me how much she likes my blog. That she's been reading it since the beginning. That Nathan is blindingly cute. That one of things that she likes most is how I disappear and then come back and write about having disappeared. That she finds this reassuring and even helpful.

Someone I know and admire has been reading my blog for years, and admires the very things about it of which I despair. I was more than stunned. My heart seemed to get bigger in my chest and I could have quite easily burst into tears. 

I read so many diverse blogs, and each one seems a million times better than mine. They live in a hipper area. They have more kids. They have more cats. They have no kids. They home school. They unschool. They send them to private school. They take cool pictures. They are more artistic. They make their own clothes. They knit. They are kinder. They are thinner. They don't yell. They create their own fantastic recipes. They travel. Their family is perfect. They have a garden. They meditate. They post six days a week. They are consistent. They are smarter. They are wittier. They are deeper.

And here I am.

I live in the suburbs. I have one child by choice. I send him to public school. I have one cat. I have a cheap camera and my pictures are average. I am merely a writer. I have a hard time making anything with my hands. I am sometimes unkind. I am a recovering bulimic and may never be thin. I yell. I haven't a clue how to come up with my own recipes. I seldom travel. My family is imperfect. I don't garden. I seldom meditate. I don't post entries in any regular fashion. I am inconsistent. And all I know about my intelligence, wit and depth is that I so often feel stupid, dull and shallow.

Most of the time, I can't imagine why anyone would read this blog. I don't know what the payoff is, or even if it exists. But then this woman came to me and said what she said, and in that moment, I had a glimmering of truth. I don't have to be those other bloggers. I don't have to try to imitate or compare or constantly find myself lacking. I can be who I am, blog who I am, and then let it go. What the blog means to me and what it means to a reader may be two entirely different things--and what's more, the meaning that a reader finds in it may not be my business at all. 

I started this blog as a journey to authenticity, and in the past three years, I have seemed to wandered off my path. Or maybe this is part of the path. I don't know. In any case, I am remembering that I am supposed to be working on being truly me. And in fact, I AM being me--it just that I forget and get lost. But as long as I remember again, and as long as I keep finding my way back to me, it's all okay. 

Actually, this entry isn't particularly simple, but that's okay too. I'm just being me.

 

 

 

Comments

[Hay]

I'm back, I missed you!

[lucy]

Karen- I adore you! A couple hundred unread posts sit waiting for me to press delete. I wanted to read YOUR post first. Who knows why? But I'm really glad you're here and I look forward to reading more whenever it may pop up :) hugs, lucy

[kara]

Karen, I love your writing. It's real and true and I love you. I wanted to argue with the seasoned blogger description you gave me...because I am not much of an experienced blogger. As I walked my labyrinth this morning and pondered this....I thought I am always discounting myself. I do have experience writing a blog. Why be so quick to brush that off......so let me say, thank you for noticing.

Also, I say why not appreciate where we are right now. I may not be the seasoned blogger in my mind that I think of when I read that...but so what! I can appreciate I have a dash here and dash there of some seasoning. I appreciate you and your blog for all it's color and seasoning and weaving of words - no comparing to others - just enjoyment. Hugs

[The Other Laura]

Hooray! Karen, I keep coming back here because I love who you are, just the way you are, and the way you blog...

Welcome back. I can't wait to hear more about the retreat and hey, I loooved the postcard.

XOX

[Taexalia]

Aye you may not be a carbon copy of any other blogger, but you are you and that is why I read :) and this wonderful post is a perfect reminder for me that blogging is about self-expression and *fun* and it doesn't have to be a competition - even with myself.

x