On a Thursday Morning

I'm in a bit of a funk, but it's understandable.

And okay.

My birthday is coming up.

It doesn't seem to matter if I have high expectations, low expectations, or no expectations at all--I'm always left feeling let down in some way. I take full responsiblity, however. I think it has to do with not liking myself much--and not being willing to truly celebrate me. I never advertise my birthday ahead of time (that I've done so here is unusual), never admit that it IS my birthday. So I set myself up for this feeling of, "See, it's true. Nobody cares!!"

Ridiculous.

I see the pattern, though--and that's the first step in changing/healing it. And I feel on the verge of a breakthrough with that whole not liking myself thing. Right now I'm in the molten mess of emotion--feeling past and present hurts. Really, truly feeling them. I'm also asking myself a lot of questions, trying to trace back these negative feelings. Where did they come from? Can I forgive the person who said or did that terrible thing? Even if it was me?

I'm finding that I can--which is why I feel I'm on the verge of something good. So it's a funk, but a productive funk.

And by the way? It's my birthday on Sunday.

Comments

[Karen]

I certainly still WANT fruitful to be my word...though there's limited success on that end. I hadn't thought of using a birthday word, but I'm definitely liking it--perhaps something along the lines of "self-love." And sweetie, you're one of a small handful of people from whom I actually like getting advice. :)

[kara]

Hi Karen,
Oh birthday funks......sigh. Big SIGH..... I like the sound of it being productive. Your word for 2011 was fruitful....does that still resonate? I wonder what a fruitful birthday would be like if you were to create it? Or maybe a new word is waiting for you. I like to choose a birthday word even more than a word for the new year. I'm bordering on giving you advice so I think I'll just leave you this comment and send you love and hugs.