I'm in a bit of a funk, but it's understandable.
And okay.
My birthday is coming up.
It doesn't seem to matter if I have high expectations, low expectations, or no expectations at all--I'm always left feeling let down in some way. I take full responsiblity, however. I think it has to do with not liking myself much--and not being willing to truly celebrate me. I never advertise my birthday ahead of time (that I've done so here is unusual), never admit that it IS my birthday. So I set myself up for this feeling of, "See, it's true. Nobody cares!!"
Ridiculous.
I see the pattern, though--and that's the first step in changing/healing it. And I feel on the verge of a breakthrough with that whole not liking myself thing. Right now I'm in the molten mess of emotion--feeling past and present hurts. Really, truly feeling them. I'm also asking myself a lot of questions, trying to trace back these negative feelings. Where did they come from? Can I forgive the person who said or did that terrible thing? Even if it was me?
I'm finding that I can--which is why I feel I'm on the verge of something good. So it's a funk, but a productive funk.
And by the way? It's my birthday on Sunday.
